An earlier version of this story originally appeared in print in The Black & White (Vol 64, Issue 3), the student newspaper of Walt Whitman High School in Bethesda, MD.
Do I start with a left-forward or right-back step in the foxtrot? This question may seem like an outdated relic of the Bridgerton era to many. But for some young people today, the question and the dance are an important social step into high society.
“Cotillion” is a Southern U.S. tradition of dance and etiquette lessons for middle school-aged children, with instructors aiming to teach young students social graces, confidence and self-assurance that can last into adulthood. The classes offer training in a variety of skills, from how to give a firm handshake and maintain proper table manners to various traditional dances, ultimately culminating in a “debutante,” or final ball, at the end of the season.
When taught effectively, these programs can do more than help students master etiquette or conform to social expectations — they can also foster stronger character and cultivate genuine self-determination skills. However, lingering socioeconomic class exclusions are still common at many cotillion programs. Hosts should increase financial accessibility and be more inclusive in who they welcome to bring programs into the modern era and expand the audience of their teachings.
Cotillion courses have a long history in the Southern U.S., historically among wealthy white families. With both the celebration of status and the teaching of manners involved, cotillions became cherished rites of passage by the 1800s among the upper rungs of white society in states like Alabama and Louisiana — but also reinforced a hierarchical social structure and white supremacy by barring participation by Black families. As late as the Jim Crow era, Black individuals were historically not allowed to participate in pageants and social events.
That prompted some Black families to form their own cotillion programs and debutante balls, such that during the 20th century, the classes and dances became a significant aspect of cultural identity for the expanding Black middle class. Through cotillion participation, Black women reshaped a system previously dominated by high-status white families.
While today some specific cotillions have been criticized for insufficient racial diversity, the programs are open to all, and many make strides toward intentional inclusivity across race, culture, ethnicity, ability and disability, and more.
Generally, cotillion classes persist as a cultural tradition and exclusive social network for wealthy and upper-middle-class families, such as those in the Washington, D.C., area. In the nation’s capital, the dance programs have recruited their students through strong connections to exclusive organizations like country clubs and private schools, such as St. Peter’s Catholic School. As markers of their exclusivity, course details are often kept private online beyond basic agendas, and most programs are invite-only.
Some elements of cotillions’ exclusivity and traditional teachings can have a negative impact. The high cost of classes, for instance, may present a financial burden for some families that prevents their children from participating and exacerbates the social status gaps the programs have historically reinforced. At Capital Cotillion, a company based in Northwest Washington, the program costs parents $740 for one season, with an additional $150 fee for their “Table Manners Dinner,” an optional event. Similarly, tuition for an entire season at The Civility School’s Jefferson Cotillion is $535.
Some cotillions also continue to reinforce strict gender roles and offer teachings that can feel irrelevant to the modern era. Walt Whitman High School senior Natalya Bah, who attended a program called Mrs. Simpson’s Etiquette Class in middle school, explained that her classes often enforced antiquated practices, like forbidding girls from wearing pants. “It was very based on outdated concepts and traditions,” Bah said. “Even the things they taught aren’t things anyone would ever need to know in this day and age.” By marketing events as prestigious and exclusive, they leave participants with unrealistic standards of what success in modern life looks like, Bah went on.
Many cotillion programs operating in the D.C. area also maintain an air of elite exclusivity by recruiting from private schools, with clubs like the National League of Junior Cotillions working alongside regional private schools to fill their rosters. Private schools statistically have more high-income families, according to a 2018 analysis by the K-12 opinion journal Education Next. By recruiting from private schools, cotillions already limit their selection to a higher-income group, reinforcing the idea that cotillions only cater towards the established wealthy class.
That exclusivity may appeal to some cotillion participants, but strengthening an implicit hierarchy among youth doesn’t do society any favors.
Despite those issues, cotillion programs have value — which is why modernizing them through better accessibility is so important. Beyond fostering more confidence and stronger character, they also give families who have been involved for multiple generations the opportunity to pass down their tradition.
They can also be just plain fun. Most cotillion participants in our community report positive social experiences, like providing an enjoyable extracurricular activity. Georgetown Day School student Finley Meyer said her time in Mrs. Simpson’s program in 2020 left her with memories she could carry into high school. “My mom asked me if I wanted to do it in the sixth grade, and I said yes because I wanted to wear a fancy dress and put on makeup,” Meyer said. “I’m glad I did it for the funny stories and the bonding moments with my friend.”
But because cost and exclusivity remain significant barriers for many students to be able to take part in the programs, leaders must consider recruiting from public schools if the tradition is to survive and provide a service to a broader swath of society.
This is entirely possible. Some cotillions — like JDW Cotillions in Denver — have made their intake process not invite-only but ‘first-come, first-serve,’ and have made their classes more accessible through $80,000 in annual scholarships, discounts, and other financial supports.
Emphasizing the inclusion of all groups and restructuring cotillions to highlight tradition without socioeconomic exclusion are essential changes if the industry is to broaden its horizons.
